PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –
The threat is real and one rural Manitoba municipality is taking measures to stay ahead of international and home-grown terrorists planning to attack the picturesque and adequate prairie city of Portage.
The City of Portage la Prairie hired local community advocate and vet assistant, Billy Neepawa, to assess and monitor the terrorism threat to the Central Plains region.
“We conducted an exhaustive and rigorous hiring exercise for this new position,” city spokesperson Ingrid Timmins said. “It yielded nothing so we offered the position to Mr. Neepawa.”
Neepawa has no prior experience in terrorism, law enforcement or psychology but has entertained several revenge fantasies against former employers and girlfriends, has had a few run-ins with police and has seen a therapist in the past. He also regularly walks his cat during the early morning hours.
“I’m really excited about this job,” Neepawa said during a Skype interview from an undisclosed office in Portage la Prairie. “They set me up with a desk, a computer and the internet. It’s my dream job.”
The initial analysis of terrorism related threats was positive according to Neepawa. “We have no imminent threats at this point, as far as I could see but so far I’ve only been able to check Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and Reddit with the hashtag Portage la Prairie,” Neepawa explained.
A new set of codes is in place to describe the level of threat. Currently, the level of terror threat is set at Tangerine, indicating “no threat at all”. The entire list of codes are below.
Portage la Prairie Terrorism Threat Code:
Potato – Credible and imminent plot to attack our largest industry seek shelter and hide potatoes immediately.
Nectarine – A local chronic complainer threatens to write a letter to the editor.
Wild Plum – A non-white person is heard speaking on a cell phone in their native language.
Strawberry – Chatter from terrorist cell groups include reference to Portage grown berry.
Banana – Grumpy old man gets upset at grocery store and needs to be calmed down by cashier.
Oatmeal – Hockey parents from other towns voice displeasure with referees during tournament – credible threat – call police immediately and leave the rink.
Terrier Green – Bus containing visiting team’s fans drives down Saskatchewan Ave. with passengers mooning Portage residents – avert eyes and seek therapy.
Tangerine – There is no known threat as most international terrorist don’t know where Portage la Prairie is and all potential domestic threats are far too lazy to muster much more than complaining verbally and on social media.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation of the fictional nature of this story along with links to some heavy-handed legal speak on privacy, copyright and a general manifesto. Don’t go getting everyone scared that terrorist might strike Portage la Prairie based on this made up story. If you do find a credible threat contact the police and pray for Portage. This story suggests the fictional station of CIPP-TV doesn’t feel there is much of a threat of terrorism in Portage, however, to cover us legally we must tell you there is always at least a slight chance so we should all remain vigilant and report suspicious activity and unwanted sexual advances. Thoughts and prayers also help so keep those going. Why are you still reading this? Go to bed.