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Assimilation Advocate Convinces Ottawa Immigrants Should Adopt Local Culture – All Canadians To Become Indigenous By 2021

Canadians to assimilate to corresponding First Nation in their area. Assimilation Advocate convinces Ottawa that all immigrants should retroactively assimilate to pre-immigration Canada - all Canadians to become indigenous by 2021

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

A local assimilation advocate has successfully lobbied the federal government to ensure all immigrants to Canada adopt local cultures and values.  The assimilation will not be limited to newcomers and recent citizens but include all immigrants retroactively.

“A lot of Canadians are tired of immigrants coming here and keeping their language, culture and religions,” assimilation advocate Perry Moore said.  “Its time they became Canadians.  Its time we reject the silly notion of a cultural mosaic and became a stronger, unified country.”

Moore rallied support on a wave of populism among those believing immigration to Canada should be cut back and limited to those who are willing and able to become truly Canadian.

“I don’t think we should go to the malls and restaurants and have to hear five or six different languages,” Moore said.  “We should speak the same language.  We should share the same values.”

The group advocating assimilation found favour with the federal government in Ottawa and are happy new laws will soon be in place that will require all immigrants and their families to retroactively assimilate.

“Cultural diversity may not have been the utopia we once believed,” federal government spokesperson Shelly Laurence offered.  “By 2021 all Canada will become fully assimilated to its pre-immigration state.  We feel it is the only plan that makes sense.”

Over the next few years each section of Canada will revert to pre-immigration maps and Canadians in each of those regions will be required to assimilate to the corresponding First Nation.

“By 2021 there will be no other option on Statistics Canada forms when we ask people to identify race,” Laurence explained.  “You’ll have to be Cree, Ojibway, Dakota, Micmac, Blackfoot, Dene, Mohawk or one of the other founding people groups.”

The move is being heralded by many groups as a final solution to racism and an end to the debate over immigration and assimilation.

“This is the most pro-active, retro-active policy the Government of Canada has ever formed,” Moore said.  “It’s so ahead of our time, it is historic.”

“We will be consulting with every First People’s group in Canada to develop the re-education strategy.  To re-program 35 million Canadians will be a challenge but it will be exciting.”

Canadians can expect notifications by June informing them where and when they are to report to the re-education camps.  Most Manitobans affected will become Cree, Ojibway or Dakota depending on where they currently live.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer about this story being satire and the site being a complete work of fiction, with a few minor exceptions like place names and famous people and public figures.  Satire means humour, fiction, made up, fanciful, make-believe.  Please do not let stories like this set off any radical political or religious belief you may secretly or publicly hold.  This is not meant to create a nest of crazy’s just a few folks looking for a laugh.

 

Photo Credit – Brooke Anderson

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