Portage la Prairie, MB –
If you are suspected of dealing drugs, stealing, vandalism or if you are just downright annoying, you might be getting a one-way ticket out of Portage la Prairie.
The citizens and leaders of the picturesque prairie city have a full-proof plan to shed itself of unwanted problems and headaches.
“If you want to commit crimes and be a pest then we don’t want you around anymore,” Citizens for Shunning and Ex-communication and Uninviting spokesperson Ingrid Timmins said. “We think we know who is selling drugs and stealing stuff. We’re tired of waiting for the Police and courts to prove it. If we think you’re up to no good you’ll be gone.”
Andre Bettons is the first person banished from Portage for allegations of selling illegal drugs and a rash of break and enters. None of these claims have been proven in court nor has Bettons been officially charged with any offence.
“They just came to my apartment the other night and told me I had to get out and I wouldn’t be allowed back,” Bettons shared. “I was a little strung out and hung over when they came by or I would have asked more questions. I didn’t think they could do stuff like that.”
An angry mob with torches escorted Bettons to the bus depot and put him on the earliest bus to Winnipeg.
“We hope this sends a message to others that we are not putting up with negative behavior in our city anymore,” Timmins explained. “We have a few more people we’ll be kicking out soon as well.”
According to local officials, Portage la Prairie has no serious crime issue but the act of kicking citizens out for unwanted behaviour is here to stay. They state the practise of removing people or shunning them from the broader society is common among cultural sub-groups in the area like Mennonites, Hutterites and some First Nations people.
“This will send a clear message to the undesirables that their time is just about up in Portage la Prairie,” Timmins said. “It’s time to shape up or ship out.”
Bettons admits he was “up to no good” most of the time but feels the group might be going too far.
“I thought we had human rights that I could hide behind,” Bettons said. “Sure I might be a dealer, but they can do the same to someone who is innocent. They could start kicking out people they just don’t like.”
Ironically, the group agrees with Bettons argument.
“We won’t just limit our expulsions to criminal activity,” Timmins offered. “Once we get the crime taken care of we will start shedding our community of the nay-sayers and complainers too. They are the biggest problem here because they are so annoying. If we don’t find you desirable then you are undesirable and subject to banishment.”
The CSEU is putting together a comprehensive list of undesirable people they hope to get rid of by the end of next year.
“I will give fair warning to some of the people going on the list,” Timmins said. “Don’t complain about things or talk negatively about Portage or you will be removed. You have a few months use your social media to promote all the great things that are happening in Portage. Good things won’t happen to those who ignore this warning.”
Several neighbouring communities have expressed concern about problem Portage people heading to their town. Many of these jurisdictions are looking at putting a ban on Portagers from coming into the municipality for any reason.
CSEU is recommending people with ugly haircuts, an affection for jazz, those wearing unkempt clothing and having body odour or bad breath be eventually banished as well.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website. That means this is not real. What community would ever be allowed to do such a crazy thing like this? Nothing like this could even happen in the real world. Please read and share responsibly.