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Portager Doesn’t Get Most Tragically Hip Songs Must Flee To U.S.A. For Safety

Portager flees to U.S.A after admitting he doesn't get the Tragically Hip Portager threatened after admitting he doesn't understand or get most Tragically Hip songs

Portage la Prairie, MB –

As a country mourned the loss of one of its greatest poets and brightest rock stars, Darryl Towle dared to speak his mind and is now fleeing the country for his own safety.

On Friday evening, as an entire nation in mourning watched the documentary Long Time Running celebrating the life of Gord Downie of The Tragically Hip, an epic tragedy was unfolding on social media.

“All I did was post that I was watching the Jets game and everyone started freaking out,” Towle said.  “Everybody started roasting me about not watching the Tragically Hip thing.”

Without contemplating the implications of his actions, Towle posted “I’m not watching the Hip movie.  If I’m honest I can’t make out most of the lyrics and the ones I get don’t make any sense.  Guess I’m not the biggest fan.”

The insensitive quote sparked a wrath of anger and venom filled replies and zero likes.

“I know everyone is sad Gord died and I love a lot of the things he stood for but the music was just, meh,” Towle said.

Towle provided some examples of his confusion about several popular Tragically Hip hits that are somewhat compelling.

“I’ve listened to Grace, Too about five hundred times and I still have no idea what the song is about.  Most of my friends can’t explain it either.

“Does anyone know what the heck Blow at High Dough really means and what it has to do with shooting a movie?”

“Wheat Kings isn’t even about a hockey team or Brandon.  And why is it called Little Bones when it should have been called Happy Hour.  It’s just so confusing,” Towle shared.

“I took Canadian History in school and even a couple of university courses but I still have no idea who Bob Cajun is, or what Nautical Disaster he’s talking about if it’s not about the Edmund Fitzgerald.”

“They always play Fifty Mission Cap at hockey games but no one knows what that is or why you have to work it in to look like that.”

“My favourite Hip song is At The Hundredth Meridian even though I have no idea what the song is really about other than the prairies.”

Towle’s comments drew reaction from every corner of Canada including death threats.

“I didn’t realize the whole country was so raw,” Towle explained.  “I was sad to hear Gord Downie died but I didn’t realize I had to pretend I liked The Tragically Hip more than I do.”

Canadian politeness has it’s limits when it comes to those not showing the appropriate level of love and appreciation for all things Tragically Hip.  Towle is now in the United States of America where is he is free to avoid Tragically Hip tributes and where he is safe from avenging Canadians.

“I totally understand why Americans never got the Hip,” Towle said.  “The music is less than commercial and a little experimental at times and you need an advanced degree in history or literature to understand the lyrics.  How many Americans could possibly have the patience or intelligence to unravel the mystery of the Tragically Hip?  I haven’t met any yet.”

Towle plans on living in the states until the hype and rage around the Tragically Hip subsides and he can return safely while openly sharing his half-hearted interest in the band’s music.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – Click here to read more about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  

Photo Credit: Andy Smith

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