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Turtle Gene Placed In Portage Humans Will Allow Them To Live To 400 But Get Less Done 

turtle gene could allow humans to live 400 years but get less done PIME plans human trials on turtle gene that could allow humans to live 400 years

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Researchers at the Portage Institute for Medical Experiments have isolated a gene in turtles tied to life expectancy and are beginning human trials to see if they can increase human lifespans up to 400 years.

Otto Butcher, lead scientist of PIME told CIPP-TV in an exclusive interview the results in lab animals show an initial reverse in aging followed by an extremely slow aging process in following months.  PIME believes the gene could increase life expectancy by five to six times normal.

“While this might not be the fountain of youth, it looks like we can genetically alter humans so they can live up to 400 years or longer.  That’s the good news,” Otto Butcher said.  “The down-side is that it looks like it slows the mental and physical processing ability.”

“Basically, you’ll end up moving as slow as a turtle.”

The cost of living longer lines up with the ethos of Portage la Prairie and is the key to researchers wanting to do the first gene replacement trial on humans in Portage.

“Our initial testing shows that you may not accomplish anything more in a lifetime,” Butcher explained.  “It will take longer to do everything so you’ll live longer but get less done.”

PIME points out that every task will be done at turtle speed and make us less productive.  Eating, mating and day-to-day tasks will be done in slow motion once the gene replacement takes effect.

“Slowing everything down is the key to living longer.  There is far less impact at a cellular level and things break down slower giving us a longer, albeit slower pace, life,” Butcher offered.  “Portage is the perfect place to introduce this turtle gene.  Some participants may not notice much difference in life-style while benefitting from a longer life.”

Anyone wishing to volunteer for the turtle gene therapy can contact PIME to register.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read a full explanation on how this story and website are fictional, satirical and at times humorous.  

Photo Credit:  JD Hancock

1 Comment on Turtle Gene Placed In Portage Humans Will Allow Them To Live To 400 But Get Less Done 

  1. Damn, I was excited for a moment there, until I read ‘…you’ll end up moving as slow as a turtle.’ But perhaps the opposite will hold true in water.

    Like

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