Portage la Prairie, MB –
Where policing and diplomacy fail carpet-bombing always brings hope.
A deal to employ the military help of our American allies is in place thanks to the generosity of President Donald Trump and lobbying by Portage Conservatives dedicated to get tough on crime.
“The petty and serious crime has gotten out of control on Oak Bay lately,” leader of the lobby effort Ryan Allister said. “We need to take a stand and send a clear message.”
At the suggestion of local residents, use of surplus tactical nuclear weapons from the United States Government became the obvious solution.
Initially, the group approached U.S. military officials in North Dakota but after seeing the idea on Twitter President Trump noticed and became involved.
Trump officials and local lobbyist quickly got the deal done and weapons are now available.
“I’m very proud of these Canadians,” President Trump said. “The crime there is out of control, up a thousand per cent. This bomb will make a huge impact on crime. It will be huge. Incredible. Amazing.”
A U.S. military strike force will deliver the weapon in coming days and the surgical nuclear strike should raise the bay without creating much collateral damage.
“We looked at using a larger bomb that would eliminate the entire north-east corner of town but thought would be too drastic,” Allister said. “The target will be limited to Oak Bay for now but we do have the option to use more devices if the first attack doesn’t eliminate crime.”
“I think if the Canadian plan works, it’ll be tremendous,” President Trump indicated. “There are some bad hombres up there. We don’t want to build another wall. If it works we’ll start bombing parts of American cities. It’ll be amazing, I guarantee.”
The bombing will take next week and while residents are encouraged to stay indoors, if residents plan to view the bombing they must use welding glasses to protect their eyes from the blast.
Radioactive fallout will be most noticeable in the neighbouring streets of Spruce Bay and Poplar Bay but officials point out Oak Bay should be inhabitable again in 4-500 years.