Live to Air

Police Get Upper Hand In Combatting Crime Wave

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Portage is calling in the cavalry to battle the wave of recent serious crimes.

Police will be patrolling the streets of Portage in a new iron horse this weekend that is armed to the max.

There will be no need to call in back up when the force’s new addition is on the clock.  The former U.S. Army tank will retain all its original armaments and our local force will have access to a 120mm cannon and 50mm machine gun.

Plans are to have the police tank armed during all patrols and the force will have the option to shoot first and ask questions later.

“We’ve seen a spike in serious crime involving guns and vehicles,” spokesperson Peter Froman said.  “We also have no rules for path users.  The increased demand for enforcement called for the investment.”

Funding for the tank will come from the city’s reserve fund and money already put aside for a north end park.  The used tank, deemed as surplus by U.S. military officials, did see action in the war in Iraq.

Portage has become a destination for criminals from around Manitoba and police hope this purchase will put and end to the trend.

“We don’t think we’ll be a crime destination once we get the tank on the streets,” Froman said.  “We feel we finally have the upper hand when it comes to barricade situations and vehicular chases.”

CIPP-TV did put calls in to area criminals for comment but none returned our messages by press time.  Unreliable sources indicate some mid to low-level organized crime gangs are looking at purchasing helicopter gun-ships like the Boeing Apache to regain the upper hand.

Police are hoping to offer ride-alongs in the new battle tank that include arming civilians with assault rifles and them taking a turn on the machine gun.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the fictional, satirical and ridiculous nature of this story and imaginary TV station that only exists on the internet.

Photo: U.S. Army public domain

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