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Portage Man Given Medication To Induce Labour By Mistake, Feels Pain & Gives Birth to Epiphany

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

During a routine medical appointment for his pregnant wife, a panicked father accidentally took medication intended to induce labour in his wife.

Jake Wessendorf was holding the pills while his wife Becca, prepared to insert them in her vagina.  He became confused and nervous and swallowed them instead of handing them to his wife.

Several minutes passed before medical staff were notified and the pills started taking effect.

Wessendorf immediately started feeling labour pains and began screaming like he had never screamed before.  The noise was so intense Mrs. Wessendorf went into labour without the assistance of drugs.

While Mr. Wessendorf yelled he was going to die, Mrs. Wessendorf practised breathing and relaxation and delivered their second child without incident.

During his two hours of labour Wessendorf had what he calls an epiphany and what his wife calls a terrible idea.

“I had a life after near death experience,” Wessendorf explained.  “I was cramped up so bad I crapped my pants three times.  It was when the pain let up and I was lying in my dirty pants my life purpose became clear.”

The idea was for a career change for the millwright.  He was to become the world’s first funeral D.J.

“I want to put the fun back in funeral,” Wessendorf said.  “We use dj’s for most other big life events so why not celebrate someone’s life with a rockin’ soundtrack?”

Close friend Jason Kleinsasser tried to talk his friend out of the plan.  “I told Jake you never have good epiphanies with your pants on.  Not only did he have his pants on when he got the idea, they were full of crap – just like his idea.”

Wessendorf found a sound system on Portage Mom’s Swap & Shop but has yet to secure any funeral bookings.  His wife maintains it is a bad idea and insists he keep his day job.  At press time Wessendorf had not soiled his pants again or had any additional epiphanies.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being satire.

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